Experiences

We’d love to hear your experiences of how principles in the book relate to your life. Please contact us and let us know your thoughts! You can read some experiences from other people below.

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I grew up on a small farm. I was a poor girl with next to nothing growing up next to city kids who had everything handed to them, and as a result I beleived that I was a second class citizen. Though it did not stop me from having friends, it did inhibit me from  my expecting any respect, I worked hard to find and develop talents so that I could be treated as more than what I thought I was, and in doing so I gained confidence in my self. But my eyes were opened when somthing happend at a friend’s party.

I was in need of a ride home and a boy I barely knew offered to take me. At first I was a little apprehensive of his mottives; offering a ride to a girl of lower status that he barely knew, but I accepted anyway since I was nearly desperate for a ride, he seemed nice, and in a worse case scenario I knew I could hold my own.

As we walked to his car he did the unexpected, he opened the passenger door, at first I thought “Does he expect ME to drive?” but when he held it open and motioned for me to get in I was FLABBERGASTED! No one had ever opened my door before, well one friend did but that was only because the outside door handle was broken and he opened it from the inside. But anyway it completely blew my mined that this guy, who only really talked to me twice and that I hadn’t proven my worth to yet would ACTUALLY OPEN MY DOOR, and we weren’t even on a date!

After reading the “expect and accept the respect” section of your book I realized that I had met one of the few gentlemen left in this world and I hadn’t really bothered to say thank you, I hadn’t really said anything other than “Oh,” because I was so stunned. I plan to thank him when I see him again, but I want all the other guys in the world to know that when they show such chivalry to girls they can completely stun them and that girl will probobly never forget that act, and that they will win major brownie points with not only that girl but every girl she tells, and trust me that kind of thing gets around, and that boy will never go dateless, so long as he’s ALWAYS nice and keeps up the chivalry.

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I just purchased your Guys/Girls book and have to give a resounding “finally!” to it. While I’m quite a bit older than the intended teenager audience, I’m still sadly single and wanted to find some comfort.

I’m a guy, but I wanted to read the “What Girls Need to Know About Guys” section anyway, because I hoped that at least some of the complaints and frustrations that I have about dating LDS women would be expressed in there, and you did not disappoint. Thank you. You are spot on when you say that guys look up to women, perhaps even more than their fellow brothers and their parents. Some of my closest friends are not my brothers, but wonderful, wonderful women. They have been there for me when I needed comfort and shared in fun and excitement, and I’ve tried my best to be there for them.

There is still one subject that I would like all LDS women of dating age to read/hear about, single or married, that we don’t like to hear. That is male-bashing. While you did cover being respectful to guys, that’s such a broad topic, and even at my age, the women I meet still treat guys with such disrespect that it sickens me.

Comments like “boys are stupid.” “Men are worthless.” “Men” as she huffs and rolls her eyes. These are all things I’ve personally heard/seen, and there are many, many more. What I wish the women to know that participate in these activities is this:

1. God would not entrust us men with such a sacred power as the Priesthood if we were stupid and worthless.

2. http://lds.org/new-era/2000/05/behold-the-man?lang=eng

3. How would you feel if the men around you started saying things like “women are worthless.” “Women are stupid.” And yet, that’s exactly what I and others are hearing from some women.

4. I asked a friend her opinion on the matter, and she used the phrase “morally reprehensible.” I like that phrase. Just because one guy or a few do things you don’t like, don’t lump us all in with them. It makes us feel bad, it doesn’t encourage us to treat you like the daughter of God that you are, and it makes you look immature. That’s a very unattractive quality, acting immaturely.

5. Instead of male-bashing, try expressing your concerns and frustrations in a more positive manner. The actions of a few do not represent the whole. “I did not like it when you/he did this … and I would have preferred you/he do this …” While I understand not all girls are going to want to confront the person that upset them, at least initially, to me it shows maturity and respect if someone can calmly explain what I did to offend them. Chances are, I didn’t even mean to do it! Of course, there are girls who like to bash men for one guy forgetting to ask someone to give the opening prayer (this happened in my YSA ward, on a Sunday, during a lesson!!), but hopefully that can be addressed too.

6. Despite all the horrible things I’ve had to endure, not once have I ever said those things about women. Please try to show us the same respect. I understand some of you have been hurt, and hurt badly. But so have I and so have other guys. Guys are expected to be macho and not show their emotions, but honestly, there are nights I’ve cried myself to sleep. And it takes a real man to admit that.

Thank you for reading this. Sadly, I have a lot more experience being treated poorly by some women than I do being treated kindly, so I have a lot more that I would like to say, but if some of my remarks can help one guy from feeling like he should give up on dating altogether as I have, I’ll feel like I’ve accomplished something.

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I am going to BYU-Idaho to get a degree in Social Work and later Counseling. I want to help teen-age girls. If they could learn from my experience, I’d be so happy. You may share part of this if you’d like. (I apologize that this is long, but I think that girls are so unaware of how the smallest things can lead to awful circumstances. And I’d like to share my story with you.)

During my senior year, I was lonely and hurt after a recent break-up with an awesome, righteous guy. A few months later, I got into another relationship with a boy who we’ll call Robert. I was never one to go for just any guy. I was extremely picky, and only wanted someone with high standards. Somehow, I didn’t realize how horrible this boy was in my lonesome and care-free state.

A while after we got serious, Robert informed me that he was extremely depressed and suicidal, due to abuse. He told me he had a day planned out for him to kill himself. I was frightened, trying to convince him otherwise, and didn’t tell anyone for a week. I ‘turned him in’ to the school pyschologist, and she sent him to a facility. He was not to see anyone but family and only at certain hours, and was to stay there for who knows how long.

Although I was happy with my life and had faith that I was a daughter of God, Robert’s depression had weighed on me. I remember when he came back to school one random day, I automatically got sick- physically sick. I was light-headed and I had to sit down, afraid that I would collapse and faint. I knew that this was not usual and that I had to get away from him. The psychologist and warned me that this was not natural for a boy to be taking out these worries onto a teen-aged girl, and that if he truly wanted help he would search out professional help. She said I should break up with him, and I would try to, but I couldn’t. And it got worse when he got home.

He said he was changed and that he couldn’t believe he almost took his life. To that, he was true, but everything else seemed to become a huge lie.

Robert was also very physical. Once he got back, he tried to spend as much time as he could with me. I thought it was because he cared about me and had missed me as I had immensely missed him. However, he just had physical desires. I thought I was fine to let the kissing prolong. Then he started rubbing my back and doing things I wasn’t comfortable with. I would always panic, trying to think of what I could do to distract him. He would tell me he cared about me, and then he would try to get me to lie down with him, several times. He touched me inappropriately. I would tell him ‘no’ and that we couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t allow it. I would try to stay away from him, but I could never stay away for long.

Besides that, he was cruel to me. He would guilt-trip me when I didn’t want to kiss him in the mornings. He would have a fit about me being honest, when he would lie straight to my face. It took me a while, but I eventually caught on to the fact that he had lied to me about basically everything from the moment I’d met him. He acted as if everything was my fault, and would never own up to lies and expected me to apologize and give in.

Unfortunately, I did at times. I tried my hardest- at least five times- to get away from him, but he was manipulating. I’d be back by his side before I knew it and I didn’t know what happened. My mind was literally in a fog from being with him.

Little by little, I realized he was toying with my emotions. It came clear that he’d been using me and lying to me. After a few broken promises and guilt of the physical intimacy, I pulled away for good. He’d keep trying to pull me back to him once he realized I was getting away from him. He was so possessive, manipulative, and abusive in almost every way- hormone-crazed and completely selfish. But I never gave in and I never came back. I wish I’d never had to deal with the hardship of getting away from him and that I’d avoided him all together.

I thought that nothing could have been harder for me to go through after my sister passed away, but this situation with Robert was far worse.

If I could give a girl any advice, I would tell them to never fall for guys’ disguises. They may seem like a great guy, even one that wants to go on a mission, but they may be lying to you every step of the way and be systematically breaking you down. Don’t fall for it, it’s literally evil. They have no good intentions in their hearts and all they want to do is get as much out of you as they can. Then they’ll dump you to the side like a sack of garbage, ignoring the hurt and the heartbreak and the scars they left. Find good, truly righteous guys to date. If a guy is questionable in any way, don’t date him. Get away from him. You don’t know what you may have to deal with.

I am so grateful that I got away from him. My life was literally chaos and it is something I’d never ask another person to go through. I am so grateful that I have a temple recommend and that he didn’t ruin my chances of being sealed in the temple to an awesome man in the future. I hope this helps someone.

I still feel physically sick to this day when I think back and look at the situation I was in. It literally took over my soul and I couldn’t think for myself. He would go before everything. I feel like I was hypnotized the whole time. You can see them once, and it will mess you up for days. It never helps to even talk to them. You can’t think straight and you lose all ability because of the control they possess over.

May I also share one more personal thing? After graduation, he’d stopped contacting me as I’d hoped for and I thought I was free from him. I went to I think the Idaho Falls temple with my family for a reunion. After we had done baptisms and were ready to go, I silently thanked my Heavenly Father for freeing me from Robert’s horrible grasp, and that I was truly free and liking better missionary-guys. It meant so much to me to be completely away from that sickening feeling and that I could move on with my life and get ready for college at BYU-I. Just to feel the spirit in His house was such a blessing in my life. Then, I checked my phone and it showed that Robert had called me fifteen minutes before. To me, it was a reminder of where I had gotten to since then, that I had life again and was safe as long as I didn’t contact him. I never called back. That was more than a month ago.

A couple weeks ago, my best friend, her almost-missionary, and I were walking along a park I hadn’t been to in years. A guy with dark hair was pulling out of the parking lot, but had looked back in the rearview mirror and noticed me. He motioned to me to come over for the longest time. I knew it was him and I pretended that I had no idea who it was and kept walking. He tried calling me the next day. I just knew it was him, though there’s hardly any evidence. It gave me the most sickening feeling and I nearly broke into tears right in front of them. Needless to say, I was a mess, and it has taken lots of prayer to heal again.

I want to mention that it’s always there. Darkness tries to take over light- precious daughters of God. I need to protect that light and will never give my light away again. Thank you so much, John and Lani. You inspire me so much, and you’ve helped me through your book. I’d been praying for a book like this that could help me, and I found it.

You will never know how much it means to me.

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It’s funny because i have a really close guy friend and we do so much together, and I told him how he could open my door, even when we aren’t on a date. Now he’s been pulling out my chair for me, and escouting me sometimes. I’ve been training him, in a really kind way of course. I have a funny story about opening doors. This one young man in my ward asked me on a date on Friday night, and he gave me fifteen minutes to get ready! And it was a single date too actually, kinda nerve racking since i don’t know him overly well. (It was really last minute because it was his birthday and his parents were giving him money for part of his birthday gift to take out a girl on his first date, I was the lucky one ) So he picks me up and he was just telling me how I’m this ‘master dater’ and I need to give him some tips. i walk around to my side, and he was already in the car. Once I got in, I said very kindly, ‘well usually the guy opens the door for girls on dates.’ I could tell he felt SO bad, i felt bad for even saying something, but he made me get out of his car, go up again to my front porch, asked the the same questing that he had 30 seconds previous, then opened my door. I just had to smile when I read the stories that had to do with opening girls doors since I had one kinda similar. Thanks for your wonderful book! I’ve learned so many things that I can do better, and now I look for boys who do the respect for womanhood gestures.